At first, I was just going to give you some time to cool down. I thought maybe you’d just got in a bit over your head. It can’t be easy going from being Queen Amidala to a vegan movie star in a perfumed sea of apolitical non-vegan celebrities. I thought maybe PETA had come on a bit too strong, made one too many requests, maybe asked you to drop trou for a billboard outside a preschool or something.
But I knew you wouldn’t fault us vegans for being a little clutchy. After all, you know as well as we do the scale of suffering that occurs every second of every day. You know how difficult it is to have to function ‘normally’ (i.e.: refraining from screeching at every person who says “But I love meat!”). You know how it feels to listen to people pray to their climate change demigod whose inconvenient truths, though helpful, conveniently kept the most important truth hidden: that animal agriculture is ruining the planet. You know what it’s like to have every non-vegan with access to the internet forward you an article about those vegan parents who killed their baby, without so much as a modest admission that the epidemic of childhood obesity and diet-related illness attributed largely to animal foods, make this isolated incident nothing more than that– isolated. You know these things. So I don’t think you’d jump ship on the animals for that.
But what was it then? Don’t we deserve closure?
Were the 120 vegetarian/vegan restaurants in NYC not enough? Or how about the 40 right in L.A.? Did you find yourself with no choice but to forage for wild mushrooms and lap dew off fallen leaves? Were the vegan meals you endured as a millionaire so abysmal that you woke in the night, weeping, and dreaming of a simpler time when you could opt for cow’s milk instead of soy in your $9 latte?
Did you just feel too damn guilty when Dior made all that clothing you modeled for them vegan? Did you feel like one of those vegans, always pushing their pesky agenda onto other people? I admit, it must be damn awkward being Oscar-winning Natalie Portman and requesting vegan alternatives…
Was it the stigma? Was it hard, shuttling between all the mega movie star meccas being the token vegan (because I’ve heard it’s so hard to be vegan in LA)?
Did you just not like the v-word? Hated the way it rolled off your tongue?
So what was it, Natalie? You’re a bright, educated woman with demonstrable articulation, who claimed Safran Foer’s Eating Animals changed you “from a twenty-year vegetarian to a vegan activist”. So what is your explanation for choosing to consume animal foods again, and so quickly after proudly identifying as a vegan superhero?
“I actually went back to being vegetarian when I became pregnant, just because I felt like I wanted that stuff. I was listening to my body to have eggs and dairy.”
Like a knife in my heart, Natalie.
“If you’re not eating eggs, then you can’t have cookies or cake from regular bakeries, which can become a problem when that’s all you want to eat. I actually wanted eggs at the beginning and then they grossed me out after a while.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lemme get this straight. You want to eat desserts from regular bakeries? That is your official explanation? And what the hell is a regular bakery for that matter? Oh! I know! A regular bakery is one where the baked goods are full of milk and eggs stolen from other animals in horrifying, cruel, soul-crushing ways.
“I know there are people who do stay vegan [during pregnancy]“.
Oh, you mean like, vegans? Yes, vegans stay vegan during pregnancy.
“But I think you have to just be careful, watch your iron levels and your B12 levels and supplement those if there are things you might be low on in your diet.”
For real? It isn’t bad enough that you declare yourself a vegan activist and quicker than you can say ‘casomorphins’, you publicly declare yourself a former vegan activist (because you’ve got cravings). No, that’s not enough. You have to fear monger on your way out! Do you know how much work you created for all of us? Every person capable of snidely hitting the forward button sent us your compelling interview because, while these idiots don’t consider you an authority on nutrition when you decide to go vegan, whadayya know– when you ditch the v-word like last year’s Dior, then suddenly it’s all “that’s Dr. Natalie Portman to you, you vegan idiots”.
Well thanks for the helpful hint, Natalie. I’ll be sure to continue to supplement my B12 and monitor my iron levels, speaking of which– have you been keeping an eye out for those pesky deficiencies that ‘animal eaters’ (your term, not mine) are highly prone to? In case you’ve forgotten, that’s: calcium, fiber, folate, iodine, magnesium, vitamin C and vitamin E.
Wow, Natalie. I thought you were cool. And maybe you are, and you’re just going through a tough time. Being pregnant can be pretty wild! Hopefully though, when you look down at your little darling, you can’t imagine how it would feel to have him stolen from you, and you remember all over again why you became a vegan. And when you do, we’ll happily welcome you back to the club, because we’re vegan and we can’t help but love animals, even the weak-willed ones.