OK hipsters, I don’t know what your deal is. I’ve been told we look a bit alike, but other than my obsession with bedhead and used flats, it bears repeating– what the hell is your deal?
I can overlook your unabating need to colonize ‘stale’ or ‘unfunny’ things in the name of irony. I can get over that. It’s brought me lots of amusing moments so far, like the way ‘Mom Jeans’ made that stern and committed comeback. You guys weren’t serious about that, right? And thanks to you, what I used to have to treasure hunt for at the Salvation Army (i.e.:oversized cardigans, ironic t-shirts) every sucker can now get at H & M, Urban Outfitters, and the Gap (the children whose nimble fingers made that clothing thank you too!). But let me get back to the point– I can ignore the mustaches and the insistent fluorescence. I can get over the perpetual state of recovery you seem to feign walking around in, and I can avoid the coffee-shops you occupy while you do so. I can look past the weird unspoken way something has to be rare to be cool, unless it’s Drake, and then it can be heartily enjoyed ‘ironically’. Right. I can overlook the navel-gazing and the nihilism, unless of course we’re talking about this recent fetish that ya’ll seem to have with carnism.
I debated even writing this piece, thinking that maybe I oughta take it easy on the hipsters, that they’re sometimes progressive in other areas of the social justice movement. Then, as I stood in line at a corner store on Bloor over the weekend, I received what I consider an omen. Standing before me, was the unofficial posterboy for hipsterism: beat up loafers, paint- speckled tight denim cut offs, a powder blue dress shirt unbuttoned to reveal some sort of commemorative jersey tee from a high school wrestling match in 1972, black Ray-Bans, and that wacky hair I can only describe as ‘Kramer-esque’. I thought to myself: “If this dude pulls out bacon, I’m going to freaking lose it”. What does the dummy pull out FIRST? A package of Maple Leaf Bacon. Sorry folks, you had it coming.
Let’s start with some basics. You do know that bacon isn’t edgy, right? Whether it’s good ol’ Maple Leaf or the boutique butcher shops popping up all over hipster communities, it appears as though somewhere, one of you got a little too into Epic Mealtime or Paula Deen (‘ironically’, I’m sure) and suddenly hipsterism isn’t touting veganism or even vegetarianism the way it used to. You do know that eating steak is like listening to Top 40 (and not ironically), right? You are aware that fetishizing non-human animals is the norm, not some fringy deviation, right? (Crash one of Michael Pollan’s pig roasts in Berkeley, you’ll see!)
You also know that supporting monster corporations like Maple Leaf is, in your world, the same as… wait– is there anything you have a consistent, principled stance on, or can you always justify otherwise embarrassing behaviour, so long as you make a decent pun out of it? Your notorious flesh-fests are no more creative or alternative than Christmas at my family’s house, where everyone talks about the sales at Wal-Mart, the finale of Dancing With the Stars, and how Tim Horton’s coffee gives them the runs. You get the picture. And to get all Breakfast Club on you– I think non-vegan hipsters are as cruel and pathetic as jocks (and with shittier hand-eye coordination).
And if you’re a hipster and you ARE vegan? Rock on, my sharp-dressed friend! May your biannual Twin Peaks theme parties become the stuff of legends, may your sparrow tattoos never fade, and may the rumours about American Apparel’s continuous downward spiral be greatly exaggerated.
BRILLIANT!!! Thanks for writing this. Can’t wait to spread it all over. SO right on. Well played.
Love this!! :)
You kill me with hilarity… I love this post! Brilliant! You’re an incredible writer. It’s about time someone stuck it to the hipsters. xo
oh shan, methinks it’s time that i start a cult in your honour.
I am soooo over even the word bacon. I will never understand. Bacon parties, bacon martini’s, bacon doughnuts. Gross. Do hipsters still wear white belts?
I don’t know what a hipster is, but I gather from your post, someone who hates mainstream and likes to think they’re unique—just like everyone else!
basically—if you wanna go no status quo—do something good for the world and not for your ego.
“No, you can’t go to the movies! Sit down and finish your homework!”
“Awww, Mommmm! I hate you!”
“No, you can’t have those jeans that show half your ass!”
“Awww, Dadddddd! I hate you!”
“No, you shouldn’t eat bacon. It’s bad for you, the environment, and the pigs!”
“Awww, doctor! Awww, scientist! Awww, animal lover! I hate you!”
Bacon itself sure isn’t cool, but as any pre-pubescent tween knows, rebelling against any form of authority is as cool as it gets. Add a few years to physical age (if not mental age), and our tween has become a financially empowered adult, now able to rebel through the power of purchases and consumption. An adult can demonstrate to the world how little they care and how much they disregard logic and sensibilities by doing really counter-intuitive, stupid things. Bacon is the new poster child of emotional immaturity, and joins such esteemed company as sub-woofers in vehicles, body piercing, and refusing to vote. Maybe in a generation or two we will grow up and out of these self-defeating obsessions. Maybe we’ll look back and laugh at the Idiocracy we’ve created. But how many human and other animal lives will have been lost in the process? I’d rather the hipster wannabe just get an ear gauge than a bacon sandwich. I might lose my sandwich at the sight of it, but at least no lives are lost. Or how about a rebellious tribal tattoo? No one else has one of those yet! Go you little rebel! Do something wrong! Show the world!
That was really funny and really well written. Really!
I just found your blog and this post and the letter to vegetarians made me fall in love with you. I, too, have been sick of the bacon hipsters for years. Not cool, not edgy, just boring and cruel.
Wonderful. I’ve definitely noticed this trend, and it’s not only the Baconator – just Youtube “Double Down” and you’ll see how ironic hipsters can get with some chicken-on-chicken action. That’s the major component of hipsterdom, though, and the major thing that separates them from hippies – don’t be sincere about anything. Any belief is up for betrayal, other than a strong belief in using irony to secretly indulge in what is popular.
awesome!!
Another decade or two and these bacon-obsessed hipsters will be pronouncing how ironically cool it is to show off your bottles of Lipitor.
I don’t know where you got the idea that hipsters are “progressive in other areas of the social justice movement” or that they are anti-corporate rebels. Hipsters are self-absorbed gentrifiers who’s main function in the world is to colonize neighborhoods predominantly inhabited by people of color in order to whiten then and make them trendy so that real estate developers can convince Yuppies that they want to live in expensive condos in that neighborhood. Fetishizing the consumption of animals is entirely consistent with the hipster ethic. And hipsters would not be some wonderful subculture if they were only vegan.