5 Smart[ass] Answers to 5 Dumb[ass] Questions About Veganism

13 May

This is the first installment of ‘5 Smart[ass] Answers to 5 Dumb[ass] Questions About Veganism’, a Q&A written by Veganomaly contributors in the hopes of offering some catharsis to vegans everywhere, as well as practical answers to those often loaded questions that can come out of nowhere and leave you unsure of what to say. And because the people asking them tend to either be genuinely curious or openly antagonistic, we’ve created separate responses for each. The ‘Smart’ answers are designed for the well-intentioned omnivore, while the ‘Smart-Ass‘ answers are reserved for the pseudo-curious interrogator who really only wants to get under your skin.

This will be a regular feature on my blog, and here’s the exciting part– YOU can send in any question/comment you want addressed. Got an uncle who likes hunting and insists on rubbing it in your face? How about a coworker who stares at your quinoa salad like you’re from a different planet? Or what about the 100’s of good-hearted people who seem to ask the same dumb-ass questions over and over again? Send them to us! We’ll do our best to craft a clever response and hopefully make you laugh while we’re at it! Just fill out the form at the bottom of this post, with the question or comment you want answered.

Question One: Where do you get your protein?

The Smart Answer: Lots of places! Whole grains, legumes, nuts, tofu, soy milk, hummus, falafels, veggie burgers, bean burritos, pad thai – just to name a few. It shouldn’t be that surprising to learn that plants offer up lots of protein; if they’re good enough for big, strong herbivores like gorillas, elephants and rhinos, why wouldn’t they be good enough for us?

The Smart-Ass Answer: Where do you get your nutritional propaganda? Kwashiorkor, also known as protein deficiency, is all but non-existent in the developed world; it’s unlikely you’ll ever meet anyone who has suffered from it, vegetarians and vegans included. The real issue at hand is where YOU get YOUR protein, as it’s most likely from the body of a sick, suffering animal raised for the sole purpose of selling cheap, unhealthy food.

Question Two: But I’ve been to family farms and seen animals that have a pretty good life. What’s wrong with that?

The Smart AnswerI don’t blame you for thinking that the farms you’ve seen are fair to the animals while reflecting an industry norm. After all, the animal foods industry spends tens of millions of dollars a year trying to convince you that modern animal farms are happy-go-lucky places where kind, old farmers attend to their animals’ every need. The sad reality is that 99% of the animals raised for food in this country are raised in factory farms, most confined their entire lives to tiny cages or stalls where the vast majority of their most basic needs (comfort, freedom of movement, foraging, socialization, access to fresh air and sunlight, and so on) are never met.

People want cheap animal products from healthy, happy animals, but few realize that the two are mutually exclusive. Over 10 billion animals are killed and eaten each year in North America; numbers like that simply cannot be sustained without treating animals like machines. That is why at the end of the day, it’s not really the meat or milk or eggs that need to be marketed, but the myth about how they were produced. This is why it is relatively common to be offered a free tour of a ‘friendly’ farm showcasing a handful of ‘happy’ animals, but completely impossible to get a tour of a factory farm. The industry doesn’t want you to know the truth, because the truth would bankrupt them.

The Smart-Ass Answer: People said the same thing about human slavery. That didn’t make it right, and the fact that some farmers are ‘nice’ enough to give their animals food and room to walk around doesn’t make their exploitation right, either. The bottom line is that in 99% of all cases, farmed animals are raised for the sole purpose of marketing their flesh, milk, eggs, skin or hair at a profit, and if anything gets in the way of that (vet bills, high quality food, spacious housing), it will always be the animals who suffer. That is why even on the most ‘humane’ farms, practices like castration, dehorning and tail-docking are performed without anaesthetic; unwanted baby males are discarded or butchered; unproductive (read: not productive enough) animals are sent to slaughter; and so on.

If it was really about the animals’ comfort and wellbeing, the animals we’ve selectively bred to maximize productivity (at the expense of their physical and emotional health) would cease to be bred (read: artificially inseminated), and those that remained would be allowed to live out the rest of their lives in peace at places like Farm Sanctuary. Anything less than this is exploitation and abuse in the name of profit, pure and simple.

Question Three: Why do you care more about animals than people?

The Smart Answer: Actually, I don’t. One of the most beautiful things about empathy is that we don’t get to pick and choose who we care about, we just do. In the case of farm animals, I can’t help but care immensely about their suffering, not only because it is so cruel and unnecessary, but because it takes place on such a massive, institutionalized scale. Another beautiful thing about empathy is that there isn’t a finite amount of it. The more you feel it, the more of it you have. Which would explain why most of the vegans I know are also human rights activists, feminists, environmentalists, and so on. Being vegan doesn’t consume all of your empathy; it liberates it.

Another thing to consider is how closely tied animal and human suffering actually are. The foods that cause the most animal suffering are also the foods that cause the most human suffering, by way of heart disease, cancer, diabetes, etc. And it doesn’t stop there: studies have shown that people who abuse animals are five times more likely to commit violent crimes against humans. In short: I don’t care more about animals than people, I care about them all, together.

The Smart-Ass Answer: Since when does caring about animals mean not caring about people, as if the two are mutually exclusive? This is about as logical as asking someone who volunteers for the visually impaired why they don’t give a shit about the hearing impaired.

Question Four: But don’t plants have feelings too?

The Smart Answer: Actually, from what we understand at this point, they don’t. But while science has failed to demonstrate any measurable level of sentience in plants, it has become increasingly clear that animals not only feel and suffer like humans do, in some cases they feel and suffer more.  Anyone who has ever spent a reasonable amount of time with a dog, for example, knows how intense their feelings can be; most people recognize a dog’s happiness, loneliness, excitement, anxiety, fear, jealousy, devotion, and even empathy as similar to our own. And people who care for pigs, chickens and cows assure us that their range of emotions is equally broad.

If you’re still convinced that plants belong in the same ethical grouping as animals (and people), consider this:  all of the animals you eat EAT PLANTS — and lots of them. In fact, it takes 5-10 times more plants to produce an animal-based diet than a plant-based one. The process of cycling vast quantities of corn, soy and wheat through farm animals results in the loss of 90% of the protein, 96% of the calories, 99% of the carbohydrates, and 100% of the fibre. It would be difficult to design a more wantonly wasteful use of plants.

The Smart-Ass Answer: Wow, I would never have pegged you for a plant rights activist. And a botanist, bioethicist, and plant psychologist to boot. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought you were using pseudoscience to justify what you already know to be morally unjustifiable behaviour. I’m really looking forward to your forthcoming paper, “Assessing the Long-term Impacts of Refrigerator Crisper Confinement on the Emotional Development of the Common Eggplant”.

Question Five: What if your plane crashes in the middle of nowhere and all you can eat is whatever wild animals you can catch?

The Smart Answer: Life or death situations are ethics game changers, even if animals aren’t involved. Extreme situations can force people to choose not between right and wrong, but between wrong and less wrong. In the case where you are forced to choose between your life and someone else’s – or between two other lives – your decision will always be a difficult one, especially if the ‘someone’ in question is a person or animal you have a close relationship with.

Your question places me (a vegan) in a situation where I must kill animals in order to survive. The point of the question is to force me to admit that I either a) value my own life more than an unknown animal’s, thus ‘justifying’ your meat-eating, or b) value an unknown animal’s life more than my own, thus proving me to be the crazy, people-hating extremist you knew I was all along.

The bottom line is that it’s a loaded question, a bomb engineered to go off no matter how I approach it. The only honest way to answer the question is to say that I couldn’t possibly know how I would react in that situation, but I’m sure it would be very difficult. Unlike the situation we’re in now, where a win-win outcome (no one has to die) is not only possible, but as simple as opting for a veggie burger.

The Smart-Ass Answer: So let me get this straight: not only have I just been in a horrific plane crash, but I’m nowhere near a tofu factory? Talk about a double whammy of shitty vegan luck. First off, if all I can eat is what I can ‘catch’, I’m already in big trouble. I not only lack the claws and teeth required to take down a wild animal – I also lack the speed, agility, and strength. And even if I do manage to get ‘lucky’ and trap, say, a chipmunk (using the pack of almonds from the flight, which I somehow fail to recognize as a more direct food source), I’ll still die if it is the ONLY thing I can eat. Unlike true carnivores, who can survive solely on flesh, human beings require a broad range of plant-based nutrients like vitamin C, fiber and magnesium in order to survive.

Solid question, though. Kind of like the one about which I would rather save from a burning building: my partner or my child; my dog or a total stranger; my iPhone or someone else’s iPad. There’s nothing like a highly implausible hypothetical to defend a habit that has nothing to do with survival, and everything to do with lazy, ignorant, and arbitrary personal taste.

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45 Responses to “5 Smart[ass] Answers to 5 Dumb[ass] Questions About Veganism”

  1. bora May 13, 2011 at 2:26 pm #

    pure awesomeness. i love you guys so much.

  2. Chantelle Morin May 13, 2011 at 3:18 pm #

    Got any good answers for this one? I received this question a while back from a carnist “What about Esquimos? They thrived on eating meat in the artic!

    • Athonwy May 14, 2011 at 5:34 pm #

      The Inuit people have the lowest life expectancy of any people on earth, less than 43 years on average. I’d hardly call that thriving. They survive long enough to breed, which keeps their population going. Interestingly, the next lowest life expectancy is the Maasai people, who also consume large amounts of animal products.

    • Barb May 16, 2011 at 1:44 am #

      Vegans love iced tea, too. At least this one does. :)

  3. Cameron May 13, 2011 at 4:02 pm #

    Woohoo! That was awesome! So looking forward to future installments!

  4. Susie V Kaufman May 13, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    Beautifully, compassionately, and logically presented.

    I’m looking forward to more, to be sure, and I thank you on behalf of all our voiceless friends.

  5. Jacqueline May 13, 2011 at 6:36 pm #

    LOL Wonderful! I’m sick of answering these questions over and over. Feels good to let off a little steam doesn’t it? ;-D

    Tell you the truth if we crashed in a plane in the middle of nowhere we might survive better than the meat eater IF say it were around vegetation we could forage. I have taken many classes on foraging starting with Central Park where by the way nothing is sprayed with chemicals because they can’t afford it! Ta-da!

    If you were in the desert I think you would have a hard time finding a living animal and catching it anyways given our lack of skills, water and first aid at that point in time but I guess I could survive on animals found dead and bugs I consider fair game because they get killed anytime we pull a vegetable anyways. Bugs are loaded with protein and b-12 so essentially we would be healthier and better off than the meat eaters who continue to contribute to the abuse of animals every day of their lives as if they are practicing for that unlikely one in a million chance they crash in a plane in the middle of nowhere.

    Great article. Looking forward to more! Makes me feel good to see a vegan with a sense of humor!

    • Jacqueline May 13, 2011 at 10:39 pm #

      Really thanks I never thought of that. We find maitake, ginko, sasparilla, berries all kinds of stuff. I go with a group http://www.wildmanstevebrill.com/

      Bill is an expert on the topic and goes to many places. Maybe you can get some ideas there. :-D


  6. George May 13, 2011 at 11:33 pm #

    Wow. More proof that a lot of vegans are really angry people. It’s cool to love animals, but why hate people? Don’t be a hater. And the answers aren’t all that “smartass” either. And don’t talk about plants have no feelings – true, never been proven, but you don’t know what you don’t know. That’s what they said about animals at one point. Peace

    • Taty May 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

      ??? There was nothing angry there.
      Though you may find my answer quite… dynamic ^^

      About plants, the stupid thing is when non-veg people mention it.
      “But maybe plants have feelings?”
      Yes but that’s not the problem, is it? We do know mammals, birds etc. can feel pain, and humans cause them a LOT of unnecessary pain. So let’s deal with it. Right now nothing at all indicates that plants feel pain. So we have to deal with what we know and with the abuses that have been going on for far too long.

      I want to add that caring about animals isn’t just about not eating meat. You could give a comfortable life to an animal destined for human consommation, and kill him without physical pain. BUT it’s not done like that because meat industries only care about money and rapidity of production, so they breed and kill animals in the most productive way for them, not giving a f*ck about animals’ feelings. And people are too lazy to care about how was produced the stuff in their plates.

    • Erin Schlicht May 19, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

      Wow. well since george seems to think that plants have feelings, its not up to us to disprove it, its up to you to prove it. you are the one that is intent on downing our choices. He should be the one not to hate. Because we said nothing to hate on humans, actually we were talking pretty positively about humans! Believe it or not…Vegans/vegetarians are humans too:) peace is good:)

  7. ggaleano May 14, 2011 at 12:44 am #

    Brilliant! I find it hard to keep my cool at some of the questions asked at this point by argumentative people. I’ll be sure to keep these in mind for the next time in order to have some sense of humor!

    I guess other questions I’ve been asked before are: Well, what about when you visit friends’ houses and their families…would you be rude and refuse their food if it weren’t vegan? What about when you visit different cultures? Etc…

    And I’m assuming the next installment will address the “Manking was MEANT to eat meat” argument?

    Thanks for sharing this, btw! :)

  8. Ro May 14, 2011 at 11:32 am #

    I love this! It’s sad that we as vegans have to defend our love and compassion against so much hate. I don’t believe that anyone is inheritedly malicious, but sometimes the comments made regarding veganism is appalling. Thank you for providing rebuttals thaw couple of the said comments/questions…and for the laughs! I look forward to reading more of your witty responses:)

  9. Michelle May 14, 2011 at 12:13 pm #

    Love this and will be sharing it with my 16 year old Vegan daughter who is now on Independent Study for High School due to daily bullying…

    Thanks for speaking up for those who cannot! <3

  10. Leigh Anne May 14, 2011 at 1:59 pm #

    This is great! I’m not a vegan, but a vegetarian, and I am constantly asked these questions, over and over. By my family!
    In the next installment, could you please address the, “Man were meant to eat meat, look at our teeth!”
    I always reply to that with, “That may be so, but animals were meant to live happy lives in the sunshine, not in factories where they’re killed in a horrific fashion! And we weren’t meant to be eating meat loaded up with hormones and drugs, either!”

    • Phiip Powell May 21, 2011 at 6:02 pm #


      Vegetarian here as well. On the “Man was meant to eat meat” front. My feeling that’s an argument based on capabilities. (In this case physical) If we are going to, as humans, decide that we SHOULD DO, everything we CAN DO. That justifies murder, slavery and a host of other sins…based not so much on biology, but power over other living things.

  11. Chaz May 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm #

    So cool! People seem to have no creativity at all when asking/comment about veganism, its always the same! So boring… Let’s give them the smart ass answers.

  12. karma May 15, 2011 at 11:46 am #

    Super fun :) The best question I’ve been asked? “So since you’re a vegan, you must be against people breast feeding their babies…” Ummmm… huh? Yes, I go out into the wilderness, too, and take baby raccoons from their mothers. The worst part is that I’ve been asked this more than once…

  13. Agnieszka May 15, 2011 at 2:27 pm #

    Love it! I’ll use especially the comment “People said the same thing about human slavery” on people saying that God created animals to feed the people as apparently Bible says (I’m Catholic and get that question a lot) – Bible allowed slavery but it doesn’t make it morally right!

  14. Wanda May 16, 2011 at 12:17 am #

    This deserves applause…. And folks say there is no such thing as a stupid question! I beg to differ. I’m vegetarian, not vegan but I get the stupid questions as well.

  15. Deb May 16, 2011 at 8:11 am #

    Great ideas. Thanks.

  16. lili May 16, 2011 at 8:30 pm #

    Just wanted to give my input to question 5, as I was recently asked that…My answer was, I do not consider animals food, so I would not look to them for nourishment in ANY circumstance. With that said, if wild animals are there, surely a veg food source is not too far away! If this means I value an animals life more than I value my own, then I am right where I want to be spiritually! After all, the greatest love is to lay down your life for a friend.

  17. Billy May 17, 2011 at 10:05 pm #

    On the sentient plant argument, I’ve been an organic gardner since I was 4 years old. My parents didn’t call it organic back then but my dad made compost and we picked the bugs off the plants instead of using DDT. I go way back. When you pick a leaf of lettuce what happens? It grows back. When you lop a leg off a lamb what happens? It suffers immeasurable pain, struggles and bleats to save itself, bleeds to death and dies.

    The fruit and veggies we eat are membranes protecting seeds. They’re are designed to come off a tomato plant or apple tree. We pull carrots at their ripest. What happens if you leave them an extra week or two? They’re dead. Every plant part I’ve consumed has been happy to give it up. No animal I’ve ever seen in any slaughter vid has marched cheerfully toward getting their tracheas ripped out, pelts melted off with hot oil, heads nail-hammered, throats slit to get strung up, half-conscious, and butchered alive.

    • bora May 19, 2011 at 6:12 pm #

      excellent point.

  18. aesj22 May 18, 2011 at 8:48 am #

    This is an interesting article. It does, however, display a huge amount of animosity toward “omnis.” I know a few vegans but don’t consider their diets curious or a point of conversation.

    What does irk me is that we were taught not to tell people what we don’t like or what we don’t eat at the dinner table in social settings, receptions, parties…(Emily Post agrees with my home training) If you don’t want it, don’t eat it. It is fairly exhausting to sit with someone who interrogates the service staff as to “what is in this?” “what is in that?” “how was this cooked?” etc. Then the inevitable question, “do you have something edible for me, I am vegan?”

    Making a scene of your veganism might cause people to be curious and ask questions they might not otherwise ask. So perhaps putting your personal choices on public display increases the number of dumb(ass) questions
    you receive.

    • Jen May 31, 2011 at 5:16 pm #

      Unfortunately, most restaurants don’t list all ingredients, making it a necessity to ask those questions. And if you find it exhausting, think how your vegan friend feels having to do it on a regular basis.

      • Annette June 2, 2011 at 12:04 pm #

        Unfortunately, it is exhausting. I am not talking about a restaurant setting–where you should get meal with your dietary restrictions since you are paying. If you read the post, I am talking about social settings where people with special diets grill the wait staff about what is in the food. Either eat it or don’t–just like everybody else.

        Again, this is plain rude and one of the reasons people ask dumb questions of vegans. When we put ourselves on display (in any situation) we should expect to be treated like we are on display.

    • Annette June 2, 2011 at 2:34 pm #

      If you have an opportunity to request or pre-arrange food, that’s great. If you’re invited to a party or a social occasion and you choose to make a scene about your food, then be prepared to be treated like the spectacle you are making of yourself. As long as you know you are being rude.

      I hate asparagus and don’t eat anything that might contain it. I do not grill the wait staff and make a scene about whether or not there are ingredients I don’t want–if I am not paying.

      When I go to a social event and am not sure there is going to be food I think is edible, I eat before I go–Period.

      As Emily Post says, though the informed host may try to accommodate everyone, your hosts are not responsible for your likes, dislikes, and preferences.

      • Mel April 7, 2013 at 10:12 am #

        A vegan diet is not based on “likes, dislikes, and preferences.” It is an ethical choice and should be honored as such. If my hosts do not care enough about my beliefs to provide food I can eat, I don’t. Nor do I make an issue of it. But I also don’t return. Restaurants should be used to questions and ready to answer them, especially given the increase in lactose and gluten intolerance in the general population and various religious dietary restrictions.

  19. Kyle Masterr Georgeneau June 13, 2011 at 7:28 pm #

    I have to admit, I’m a meat eater but a rarely eat meat, maybe once or twice a week. I do however appreciate this series. I’m glad I can get informed about veganism all in one place. I would like to go Vegan, but i’m not sure I could

    • anna June 13, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

      i love the vegan curious!

      kyle, something i wish i’d known before going vegan was how darn easy it actually is. before i was vegan, i thought it would be hard, and i didn’t know if i could do it either. then i went vegan, and realized that the food is the EASY part about being vegan! (the hard part, by the way, is the non-vegans, but that’s a different story…)

      it’s so great that you’re eating less meat, but it would be even greater if you could go vegan – and it sounds like you’re ready! eating habits are contagious, and if you live vegan, you’ll see that you rub off on everyone around you. asking for the vegan option at restaurants, bringing vegan food to friends’ and families’ parties, simply labelling yourself “vegan” and showing the world that anyone can be vegan. it matters more than you may know.

      i don’t know where you live, but i can pretty much guarantee that there’s an amazing vegan community there totally willing to welcome you into the fold and make the transition easier for you, with tips, recipes, support, and the vegan tricks o the trade.

      good luck!

  20. Bill June 15, 2011 at 10:47 am #

    Force a kid to eat meat and they’ll grow up addicted to it, and they will say & do all sorts of ridiculous and insane things when that addiction is threatened.

    Don’t force a kid to eat meat and they will never even consider eating it, and they will grow up to be very healthy, caring people.

  21. Hillary Rettig / The Lifelong Activist June 30, 2011 at 3:55 pm #

    Good on yer for the comment at Gawker. You got in right as the gate opened and put the obnoxious omnivores on the defensive. I’ll be remembering that tactic. And following your blog.

  22. Corey Waters August 5, 2011 at 1:26 am #

    Well done. I have shared this piece on Facebook.

    Veganism also encompasses the refusal to consume / exploit other animals as a form of entertainment. As an activist who has protested the exploitation of horses forced to pull carriages and of other animals forced to perform in circuses, I have encountered several “Dumb[ass]” arguments, often articulated in the form of defensive “Dumb[ass]” questions. One such assertion is that pulling carriages is a horse’s job. On one occasion someone even quipped, “I wish I could quit my job too.” I can imagine how you guys would articulate “The Smart Answer,” but I would be entertained as well as enlightened by your articulation of “The Smart-Ass Answer.” Perhaps a consideration for “Round Three” of “Smart[ass] Answers.”

  23. Patti Blersch August 20, 2011 at 9:11 am #

    i haven’t even gotten out of bed yet because i’ve been sitting here reading your articles… and continue to read i shall. brill.yant.

  24. Pru January 29, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    haha absolutely fabulous. I do love and hate these arguments all at the same time – it can get exhausting having to justify my behaviour all the time, great to have some ready-made answers.

  25. http://Tinyurl.com/applowen02953 April 15, 2013 at 4:25 pm #

    Many thanks for taking time to compose “5 Smart[ass]
    Answers to 5 Dumb[ass] Questions About Veganism | the veganomaly”.
    Thanks a ton for a second time -Lavonne

  26. Lizz Clements May 16, 2013 at 2:36 pm #

    I enjoyed your post a lot. I also wanted to reiterate the other commenter who noted that plants actually entice us to eat them whereas animals will defend themselves and try to run away. Big difference there, despite whether or not they feel anything. It’s also a shame people find asking a server about food to be exhausting. I guess they lack sympathy for people allergic to peanuts and gluten, too.

  27. hotpinkpearls January 28, 2014 at 10:07 am #

    Reblogged this on Legally Brunette.


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